Keegan's Birth Story

So 2 years ago, I was preaching to the choir.... "I am never going to do this again."  "One kid is it for me."  "This is hard."  "I'll never sleep again."  And then look what went and happened.  I got pregnant.  It was awesome.  We were ready, right!?

This pregnancy I was pegged right off the bat as a "high risk pregnancy," "geriatric pregnancy," "advanced maternal age pregnancy..." whichever way you want to slice it, at the age of 35, I was considered "old," I would be 36 when I actually had the baby. This meant I needed to be seen at 20 weeks by a high risk fetal specialist for an ultrasound and then fetal heart stress tests weekly in the last 2 months of pregnancy.  I also had a 70 percent chance of re-occurrence of cholestasis which I developed in my first pregnancy.  

Overall, my pregnancy went well.  I never did develop the itchy palms and feet which is the main symptom of cholestasis.  My symptoms were as follows, the need to pee every 20 minutes.  My gosh, I can't believe the amount of peeing one person can do.  I developed horrible sciatica that shot from my butt down my leg, but even worse then that, the way the baby was lying, he was pressing on other nerves that shot down the front of my leg, making me feel like the front of my leg was also numb.  It was as if he was cutting off some sort of blood flow.  The reflux.  Ohhhhh, for heaven's sake, Pepcid AC Berry flavor, you and I were best friends.  I would have not lived 9 months without you.  Then of course, I learned very quickly this pregnancy wasn't going to be being sent home from work early to nap or watch trash tv... this pregnancy was going to be feeling all the pregnancy feels as described above, but with a very active, little person needing my attention every single second.  I feel like I did the best job I could while becoming more short of breath with each passing day to entertain Archer.

Then I had to make the decision to have either a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) or a repeat c-section.  Pros and cons to both of course... and a signature on a piece of paper was needed to say bad things can happen in regards to both.  I was shooting for a vaginal birth.  I wanted to try for it... but at 36 weeks or so... the ultrasound was showing that baby's head was already measuring 10 cm.  When you dilate to give birth, you dilate to 10 cm.  So, baby decided for me that I would have a scheduled c-section.  With 3 more weeks of growth... I wasn't even going to try and do it, baby to get stuck, and have it end in a crash section.  And so, the doctor chose the date of baby's birthday per our request (39 weeks and 2 days) and that was April 8th, 2019.  If I were to go into labor before then, I could still try for a vaginal birth.  This never did happen.

And so on April 8th, I walked myself thru the hospital doors and to the third floor.  Checked in.  They prepped me.  My doctor was early and ready to go (although noted she was in a cute outfit complete with heels that she promised to change out of), but the c-section before me was still in progress.  Also, we were waiting on the anesthesiologist to come and talk with us.  Adam and I were much more relaxed this time around.  I was totally ready.  Once everyone was in place... they had me get up and walk down the hall and to the OR.  My only concern for this times anesthesia was nausea.  I wanted to make sure they gave me everything they could to avoid it.  The last c-section, it was not good.  Knowing exactly what was going to happen this time around made things so much better, and my attitude was "get this show on the road."  I sat on the table, hunched over, shivering in the ice cold OR while doc prepped my back for the spinal and stuck it in.  Within minutes I was numb, they laid me down and put my legs up on the table for me.  It's so weird watching them put your legs up and you don't even feel it.  The foley catheter was placed... so happy to not feel that thing go in.  I had a moment to myself at this point before Adam came in and took that chance to send a short prayer up... after all, what I was about to undergo wasn't easy, and wasn't without risk.  I will always try to remember that although society can sometimes make you feel c-section is the easy way out... it is not.  It's crazy to think that the doctor will cut thru my abdominal wall, all my muscle, and uterine wall, and deliver me a baby in a span of a few short minutes.  Things can go very wrong, very fast.  Prayer sent... nausea came in.  The anesthesiologist then administered the last of what he could for a last ditch effort.  While me being the good nurse I am analyzed my vital signs for him... and whhhhhhoooopppp, there went my blood pressure.  It was 67/42, I was feeling quite dizzy and hot.  I told him to "do something," and reading his eyes, because his mouth was being covered by the mask, I could see he realized he was dealing with someone in the medical field and said, "I am!"  He gave me something and boom my blood pressure was climbing again... the nausea was dissipating... Adam was walking in... Dr. Flynn switched out of her high heels and was asking me... "do you feel this?"   The answer, a big fat no.
It was go time!

Same as the time before, once I was cut open, they had to push on the baby to have him come out.  This time I was prepared for it.  I thought.  But push is an understatement... it felt like they were wacking me so hard... like CPR hard.  I screamed for what seemed like a very long time as they pushed and pushed to get the baby out.  On a side note, he never did "drop."  And so he was nestled up in my rib cage it seemed.  Before the pushing, I heard Dr. Flynn say to her partner she could see the baby.  She told me that she was about to cut the uterus, and that the original scar had stretched so thin she could see the amniotic fluid and baby known as a "window."  She made note of telling me that if I were to ever get pregnant again, baby will be delivered at 37 weeks by c-section and she told me the right decision was made in scheduling a c-section.  My body probably would have not tolerated vaginal birth because of this "window" with very high risk of uterine rupture if I had tried pushing the baby out.  She was very relieved it never came to that.  I am too.  Obviously.  I really went back and forth about the way he would join this world.  So now, 2 months later I feel at ease.

One of the biggest memories I have was when the pushing stopped, and I heard Dr.  Flynn say in a cutesy way..."Hi BABBBBBBYYYY!!!!"  He was already stealing her heart.  I told Adam to get up and look so I could see his reaction.  Reaction: complete joy, pride, and happiness.  The baby was screaming and I heard them say his APGAR score was 9, yah!!!!  They did give me a quick look at him over the curtain and he was wide eyed, and beautiful.  Adam went off to be with the baby and cut the cord, and I just laid there feeling thankful. 

Once he was okay and cleaned, we got to do a little skin to skin contact while they were still stitching me up in the OR.  The nurse laid him on me, I couldn't touch him due to my arms still being restrained down.  All I could do was touch him with my face.  The softness... oh my goodness.  It's a feeling I won't ever forget. 

Before I knew it baby was off with Adam to recovery while they finished up, and moved me to a stretcher.  When I got to recovery, I had intense pain in my shoulders.  Normally after abdominal surgery later in the day patients get pain in shoulders.  This is due to the air they pump into you rising up.  Of course, I get it right off the bat, while still in recovery.  It's a very strange pain that I always thought people were a little crazy complaining to me about when I would take care of them.  Until I had it of course, in my first c-section.  I remember walking the hallways of the hospital trying to get the pain to leave, and silently apologizing to every patient I ever had who complained of it.  Anyway, pain meds were given to me, and as that pain dissipated I got to enjoy my precious new bundle a little more. 

I was in recovery for about 2 hours before they sent me to my hospital room.  Both of us stable.

And so, on April 8, 2019 weighing in at 8 lbs. 5oz. and 20 inches long.  Keegan John came into our world.  Keegan, because we needed a solid name to measure up to Archer, and John, after his Grandpa.

Welcome Keegan!

Twas the night Before Baby Boy #2

 39 weeks and 1 day, c-section tomorrow... it's real folks.  I am a crying, emotional mess. 

My friend Kathy was kind enough to meet up with me and my side kick a few nights ago to take pictures.  At first, she asked if I wanted to do maternity photos only.  The kind where I dress up in a flowy, feminine dress that hugs all the parts of your body women like to show off during pregnancy, maybe wear a flower crown, and do my make up really nice.  However, that is so not me.  I really do not know what people do with those pictures after the fact.  Kathy really didn't care what I wore though, and so I asked her after weeks of going back and forth on it... if she would snap a few of Archie and I instead, while I was dressed in my every day gear, a tshirt and jeans, and she said "of course."  After all he is my every day.  He is my boss man.  He is what has made my world go round for 28 months and 6 days, longer if you count his pregnancy too.  

 It won't be him and I anymore.  I am now giving him his very own side kick.  I am scared and nervous all at the same time.  About everything.  All while knowing it can be done, and will be done.  And it's stupid to worry about something I don't even know how he will react to for sure.  No turning back, right?

I can't wait to see you grow as a big bro.  We will have our challenges, for that I am sure.  I hope the good outweighs the bad, I hope you are more resilient than I give you credit for, and I hope I remain your second favorite person next to dad of course.

Not too long ago, I didn't think I was cut out for motherhood.  And here I am about to welcome a second child into this world.  Crazy!

"I'll love your forever, I'll like you for always.  As long as I am living, my baby you'll be."

Christmas Wishes 2018

Merry Christmas to all!!!!

2018 is quickly coming to a close.  Again, I can not believe it.  Can you!?  

Reviewing the year that will soon be behind us, I can say nothing, but goodness.

Our worlds still revolve around our guy Archer who just turned 2 on December 1st.  Him and I have gotten into much more a of a routine.  Staying at home is harder than I ever expected it to be, but it's something I would never trade or I will ever be sorry about.  I try to fill his schedule as best I could, he loves story time at the library, and we attend a weekly music class, where he gets to dance and bang on instruments.  Our days consisted of getting to every single park we could find, the zoo, swimming pools, lunch dates, events at church, nature centers, nature walks, standing outside looking at the moon at night, splash pads, obscene amounts of time spent at Target, mourning the going out of business of Toys R Us, going to farms, pumpkin patches, baseball games, children's museums... the list goes on, we are up for anything, and guess what, we are ready to do it all over again in 2019!  Who's in?

Most importantly, he's a busy, growing, thriving, healthy boy and we couldn't be happier with how much fun he is, how funny he is, and what he presents us with each day.  Both tantrums and smiles.

Adam continues to work downtown and make the long commute, but is able to spend a couple days each month working from home when possible.  He and Archer make an incredibly cute pair.  Their hobbies together include going to the local donut shop, causing chaos at Cabella's, car shows, and kicking balls around.  Archer has even excelled at making contact with golf ball and club.  

We took two trips as a family this year.  The first was in May when Adam and I broke all our initial rules in not taking our child to Disney World before he turned 40 inches tall.  We did it anyway.  It was definitely a different experience.  We did two Disney days, and the rest we just met up with friends and lounged at the pool.

In September, we went to North Carolina to have our Jaco/Bridges family reunion we have all grown fond of.  Golfing, relaxing at the pool, many spins on Grandpa's golf cart, and one beach trip was made while we were there.  

Perhaps our biggest, most exciting news of the year is that we will be turning our family of 3 into a family of 4.  Baby Boy Jaco is due April 13th. 2019.  We are excited about the changes ahead.  Hoping we will be (ok, I will be) a much calmer mom this time around.  Many plans are in the works of moving Archer into a bigger, more sophisticated room, and getting ready for Baby Bro to move in.  My pregnancy has been chugging along and is going weirdly, exactly the same as how it did with Archer.  

I have taken a side job as a consultant with Usborne Books and More.  This is a children's books company that I have learned about in the last couple years.  It's 100 percent computer work, throwing virtual parties, and something I am able to do when Archer sleeps.  I'm not a millionaire with it, but that is not my intention.  It's fun discovering something totally new.  

We hope that 2018 was a good year for you, and that 2019 is a better one yet.  We have much to look forward too and are hopeful for a splendid new year.

 To those we don't see nearly as often as we like, and those we see often..
Merry Christmas.
We love you.
And we hope you remember that He is the reason for the Season.
-Adam, Erica, and Archer-

P.S.  Lucas would also like to include he's 9 now, and keeps us all in check.

Baby2

We made the official announcement just 1 month ago!  Our Jacoski clan is growing by two more feet.  And I am growing right along with it.  I had no idea how fast you look pregnant the second time around.  I'm 18 weeks now, and moving right into maternity clothes.  Goodbye nausea, and hellooooo reflux.  Things are just chugging along like pregnancy one.

Archie continues to keep me on my toes.  He has no idea his world is about to be turned.  He loves babies, but is not sure what it means that there is one in my belly.  Ho hum.

I'm in clearing the house mode to make more room.  The guest room will be the Baby J2's room, and office will now room with guest room.  I need to make more closet space for everyone.  So, while I am more mobile, I am trying to get these things done.

Ceiling fans have been installed in all rooms now, and Baby J2's room has been painted a grey color.  Thinking about how we will have to either kick Archie out of his crib soon, or let it be and hope he's ready for a toddler bed come April- Julyish... as Baby J2 will still be sleeping in our room probably up until that point.

I feel there is a lot to think about on one hand, and then nothing to think about at all too.  Whatever will be will be.  If motherhood has prepared me for anything it's you can't predict a thing.  What you worry about is easy breezy, and then what you don't is what gives you problems.

Bring it.

SAHM

Recently, I have been asked many times by multiple different people,
so do you like staying at home?

They are referring to the choice Adam and I have made in me stopping working in the real world completely to help raise our son.

I am not even sure what I say to this question.  Sometimes I say no, sometimes I say yes.  But it's a loaded answer.  I think sometimes I can come across as my kid drives me crazy, when really he is a great kid.  Just doing kid things.  That are annoying.  That every kid does.  Like crying for no reason that I can find, refusing food, but accepting cookies for a meal, throwing food, biting, general whining... etc.  (I am a nurse, these are my patients!  I am no stranger.  A patient has done all of these things to me, and more.)

I by no means would call myself a kid person.  There are some people who are more affectionate towards kids, and can be a friend to any kid, a person that children gravitate too.  I am not that person.  Old people are more my style.  When it comes to my own, I have more patience and understanding.  Thank God.  I always knew that if I had children I would want to stay home, rather than hand my paycheck over to a daycare or a babysitter.  I want to teach him things.  Even though, I don't know much.  I want to see him experience the small things first.  Not a caretaker.  And really, I trust no one, but myself to care for my baby.  But it's hard. 

I love my sidekick, and he is awesome.  I worry all the time about if me staying home is really the right thing for HIM.  Do I do enough?  Expose him to enough?  Teach him enough?  Socialize him enough?  Does it even matter at 20 months old???  Everyone says you will NEVER regret staying home 20 years from now.  You have your life to work.  But only so much time with your child, so if you can do it, do it. 

I am a nurse by profession.  I also worry that I am losing all my skill sets.  It's a technical job.  It's an emotional job that I am happy to leave behind right now, as I am full of emotion with motherhood.  And well, healthcare in the United States is messed up.  It's a job that you don't just work from this time to this time... you leave when your patients are ready for you to leave.  This would put me in a real bind when it came to picking up Archer at day care.  I just worry about the reality of eventually returning back to work, and having to start all over.  Will I even be re-hireable?  I lie awake at night wondering if I would even remember how to start an IV.

Here's what I have learned.... staying at home is a lot harder then I ever thought it would be.  I eat standing up sometimes.  I eat terribly, usually finishing the food that Archer doesn't, eating lots of what is lying around in the pantry... crackers, cookies, candy... I have to really focus on not eating those things nor buying them.

The only exercise I get is chasing him around.  It's something.  But not enough.  My body feels terrible most of the time.  And the trouble is when I do have time while he naps or sleeps at night.  I just want to lay there.  Relax.  And eat ice cream.

It's incredibly lonely.  I talked to many people a day prior.  Now I talk to one.  Kind of.  One who is only just now starting to respond and I spend most of the day deciphering what he wants.  Savannah, Al, Hoda, and the rest of the TODAY show have become a saving grace each morning.  I feel like I know them.  I am also lucky to at least view them for 10 minutes before demands for Sesame Street are made.

I am pretty shocked at how I have put myself out there with trying play groups.  It's hard to get together with moms and kids I don't know.  It's really for moms.  Kids will play with whomever.  Moms, not so easy.  I can get along with most anyone for short periods, but I just have not found anyone that I really click with.

In general, it's just hard to find something to do.  I get comments all the time that people can't get over how much I do with him.  I don't feel that way.   It is my nightly homework to find something to do the next day, bonus something to do that is free.  And I will do anyyyyyyything I can find.  Getting out of the house is easier for me than staying home because there is only so much entertaining I can do here.  I notice such a difference when we are out and about, then when we move from room to room inside. 

Like it or love it, it's what I am doing.  It's how life is.  And I am glad I get to spend all this time with him.  A lot of people just don't get that and it's a different experience for sure. 

35

This year I turned 35.  EEK.

I am more of an even numbered person, I guess.  This number just sounds alarming.

BUT...

Adam made it quite memorable by surprising me the day before with tickets to see Hamilton.  I have been wanting to go for years, but tickets are terribly expensive.  It's completely obsessive how good it was.  I am working on memorizing the entire soundtrack right now.  We probably talk about it daily and it was nearly 4 weeks ago.  I would go back and see it 10 more times if I could.

Before the show we had a fancy dinner.  The kind you have to pay separate for your vegetable and potatoes.  Oh dear... it was good.  Adam always makes my birthday extra special!

As always, my favorite thing to do is go around and get my free birthday items that I am signed up for.  People know I do this... and when it's their birthday I usually get a text asking what items they can get.  So I decided to make a list... You are welcome.  Sign up today, because it won't work the day of your birthday.

Top L clockwise...

Sephora... you had your choice this year with either lipstick or facial moisturizer.

Corner Bakery... free sweet... I actually used my coupon just the other day which was expired... but they still honored it.

Moes... my favorite... a free burrito!  Use it, don't lose it... they aren't as nice.

DQ... buy one get one blizzard.  Adam especially enjoys this one.

Portillos... free slice of chocolate cake... DAY OF YOUR BIRTHDAY only... those people are sticklers.

Starbucks... free drink of your choice.  You only have 2 days post birthday.

Panera... free bakery item

Bath and Body Works... free travel size item.

Middle picture is my scarf... you get 5 dollars off at DSW for your birthday.  I couldn't get shoes, but I used it for this scarf and only spent 3 more dollars.

Not pictured is the ULTA gift I picked up today, you need your email coupon, or you don't get a thing anymore.  I of course, had no idea, so I called customer service and they re-emailed it to me... It was a lip gloss of some sort... and my Dunkin' Donuts coffee which you have one month to use and I am currently sipping on now as baby sleeps and I blog!

And I did a survey and not one of the people who gave me my items wished me a happy birthday.  I don't care, I just noticed and it was strange.
Whatev.

What I have Learned

So, I have been a mom for one year and two months, and have kept an ongoing list in my phone of things I have realized and learned and had no idea about...  here are some of those things...

1.  Feeding baby as a newborn is one thing, but then going back to sleep is quite another.  It takes about 5 minutes for baby to suck down a bottle... but then after, he is staring back like, "now what?"  Rocking, singing, swaying, bouncing, over and over follows for 45 minutes before he was even ready to go to sleep again.  This leaves little room for sleep for myself (unless baby sleeping on top of you counts, while you doze, which let me tell you it does not), especially when you have to pump after that.  Quick!!!!  Put him in the swing, pump, wash bottles and pump parts because you haven't figured out you don't have to wash pump parts each and every time, eat a cookie someone baked for you and dropped off, close your eyes... and "ohhhh hi.... baby... you are up again!?"  Like, I knew I would be up a lot in the middle of the night, feeding, and I knew I would be tired.  But, I had no idea how long this process actually was and the level of tiredness I would actually be.

2. Breastfeeding is not as easy as some women make it look.  My idea of breastfeeding pre baby was "oh, you are hungry?"  Let me lift up my shirt wherever we are, you eat, and we go on our merry way.  NOPE.  That is not what it is... at least in my experience and in the many handfuls of women I have met throughout the course of the year in two separate support groups.  These are women who sit and cry that they are bad mothers because they can't feed their little offspring easily.  I was one of them, wondering what the heck I was doing wrong.  I came close to mastitis a couple times, but was well educated about it so never actually needed antibiotics.  Clogged milk ducts, pain, blebs, low grade temps and blisters were my issues.  Lots of hydration, massage, hot packs, manual expression, and Tylenol followed.  Most looked at me like... why do you go on like this?  Even the lactation consultants were baffled.  I just felt like it was my duty.  Hey, I sit home all day.  I should be able to feed my baby, right?  I should also note I am very much a quitter.  I quit almost anything I try that I am not good at BESIDES that one year I chose to play softball because all my friends were doing it, landed on a team without my friends on it... and they totally hated me because I don't have an athletic bone in my body.  Besides, not quitting THAT... I just couldn't quit trying to breastfeed.  And wouldn't you know it month 11 rolled around and it became easier.  Probably because he was eating less.  So the pain and other symptoms all became less.  I sit here now, thinking, is this how it should of gone the whole time?  The answer is YES.  (insert eye roll here.)

2a.  Also, learning how opinionated people are on breastfeeding... and how touchy a subject it is, is shocking and will probably warrant a whole other post on the topic one day.
2b.  Also, learning the whole breastfeeding process, and how things actually happen internally.  It's crazy.  I know more about my boobs then I ever thought possible.

3. What's so hard about sleep anyway?  I know you're tired.  You know you're tired.  Shut your eyes.  Go to sleep.  I can shut my eyes and go to sleep.  Why can't you?  You are not going to miss anything.  I promise.

4. Say it ain't true.  Your fur babies really do take a back seat.  I said it wouldn't happen, but it did.  There are days I forget to feed Lucas til Archer is in bed for the night.  I didn't get to sit and cry for days after Charlie died like I did when Rascal died.  I don't really want another dog until my child is trained.  I hate that I am even saying this.  Also, is your child ever really trained?

5. The advice from everyone who can form an opinion, especially those who raised their kids front facing in the front seat, feeding solids at 3 months, stomach sleepers and their kids didn't die never stops.  And God forbid you say, well, that's not what they suggest you do now a days... they roll their eyes.  It puts a real cramp in my style.  As if I am not going to listen to my medically trained professional about placing my baby in the crib on his back with no blankets because there is evidence they could die of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome if so?  Of course I am going to listen to the doctor, thanks.  And yes, maybe in a year they will change all the rules... but you know, you gotta follow something.  I choose what my doctor says.  The Earth and everything in it evolves.  So does child rearing.  I am only trying to do what's right. Just let it be.  If I hear one more time, "I did this with my kids and they turned out fine...." especially coming from the check out lady at the store...

6. The amount of people who will not help to open a door in public is shocking.  My gosh, like really... here you are struggling to get thru doors with the stroller and people just see you and keep moving about their business.  Not all of course.  But a lot of people. Karma people, karma.

7. All my clothes are ruined.  All of them.  Nothing fits like it used too, nothing fits in general.  And the thought of buying anything new just makes me mad because that will get ruined too.

8. I literally feel like he is an extension of my body.  And that's because he is an extension of my body.  When he hurts, I hurt.  The patience I have for him I have for no one else.  I don't even know where it comes from.  My mom says it's because you have no other choice.  One year, 2 months, and 8 days later... I still look at him and think, that little cutie patootie kid came out of me?  Mind blowing.

9. Sleep when baby sleeps is 97 percent of the time not an option.

10.  My boobs hurt more than my C-section for most of the entire first year.  Fun story.  My milk came in the day of his birth.  Most women, this doesn't happen to for a couple days.  I woke up day 2 with my chest so swollen, you couldn't even see my clavicle bones.  The lactation consultants had Adam going to the grocery store for cabbage, a natural way to help with breast inflammation, pain, and swelling from overproduction of milk, which is what I had... always an overachiever.  My breasts were so engorged, we couldn't even practice breastfeeding and latching in the hospital.  This I think played into the reason I have had so much trouble.  Needless to say, when the nurses came in to ask me my pain rating on the pain scale, I would ask well which pain, breast pain or incisional pain?  They were astounded that the 6 inch incision thru my abdominal wall and uterus wasn't bothering me like it should have, I guess.  And don't get me wrong, it hurt.  But my boobs feeling like bricks hurt more.  It still baffles me.

11. Often people ask, do you miss going out?  Well, yes, as Adam and I are big foodies, and like to try new restaurants, we do often miss this.  But a lot of times I feel like I am giving up more when I can't take my allergy medicine or cold meds than I do from nights out.  I get sick often, always have.  Despite washing my hands 100 times a day.  But... not being able to take my allergy medicine during allergy season the past two years, (for pregnancy and then breastfeeding purposes) well, that was a huge thing for me.

12. Watching the news takes on a whole new meaning of worry.  Being a stay at home mom now, I have watched the news more in 2017 than I have in my whole life put together.  I am a worrier who deals with anxiety, and I just can't even.  Some say, don't watch.  Turn on something happy.  But how can you ignore the saddness, destruction, poverty, senselessness, when you are supposed to raise a kid in this world.

13.  Salad doesn't belong in the pantry.  Just like socks don't go in the freezer.  You need the keys in your purse to start the car.  Lucas isn't Archer, and Archer isn't Lucas.... that mom brain thing is real. I have never felt more stupid in my life.  Period.  If I did work right now, my poor patients would be sending me home to rest.

14. It's amazing how little sleep one needs to take care of self and baby.  The best part though, you can look as ugly as you want... as long as you give him a little bit of food, love, and change his diaper.  He does not care.  In fact, he does not care about anything else.  All the time you spent fancying up the nursery, getting all the little outfits ready, and making things perfect.  He doesn't care.

15.  I secretly love Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and the Hot Dog Song more than my baby.  I don't know what it is.  But I love it, and just can't even wait til the end of the show for the song to play.  I hope this doesn't change.  And really, who are we kidding?  Erica, love Mickey Mouse????

16. Why are remote controls so interesting?  In a room full of toys, give him a remote control and he is quiet, but don't leave him alone too long with it, or he might just order porn.  True story.

17. Why does he make a noise when I want to hear something on TV?  I will wait 52 minutes to hear what Al Roker has to say... and just when he goes to make the announcement.  He starts crying or whining. Whyyyyyyyyyyy????

18.  It's better than it was is my new personal motto.  When I can get half the job done... I say it's better than it was... mostly with cleaning.  I like things clean and clutter free.  And dust free.  When it is my world is better.  I feel like I can do anything.  I can relax.  Some may say... well that's not what's important right now.  But it is.  Trust me.  It is.  And if I can just get a little bit done instead of the whole house... I am learning to say it's better than it was.  If I do a half ass job with anything, cooking, cleaning, getting the both of us 1/2 ready... "it's better than it was."

19. Carrots light on fire in the microwave.  Did you know that?  Kids or no kids????  It happened.  I just cooked up some carrots so they were soft on the stove... refridgerated... and then went to reheat later... and fire happened.  Before children, I wouldn't have dreamed of even reheating a carrot by itself.  BARF.  Was this mom brain?  Did I throw in some aluminum foil too?  Well, thank you google.  I am not 100 percent certified....

"Microwaves function by creating electromagnetic waves that cause the water, fat and sugar molecules inside food to vibrate and thereby, heat. While an electric field is created throughout the inside of the entire microwave, the electricity’s intensity will vary, which is where your food comes in. When any nutrient and mineral-rich food is cut up into smaller pieces and placed inside a microwave, each piece of whatever is being cooked will take on a different amount of electricity and this discrepancy will sometimes cause sparks to form."

20.  Being a stay at home mom is much harder than I ever thought it would be.  It's lonely and isolating.  (Thank GOD for the internet!  And my cell phone!  And all four hours of the TODAY show who have become my extended family EXCEPT Matt Lauer).  I have been working since I was 16.  I am good at being a good worker.  I got to work on time.  Felt terrible the 5 times I didn't get to work on time.  Stayed extra, worked extra shifts, made a ton of friends along the way.  I have always gotten good reviews.  And in the beginning of motherhood I was left to look at my baby and figure out why he was crying despite the obvious.  My only goal was to keep him happy.  And I couldn't do it or at least felt that way at the time.  I was failing at my new job.  Difference is this guy didn't come with a manual or any kind of orientation like all my previous jobs did.  I didn't get a review and I realized I need someone to tell me I am doing a good job that is not my family or friends.  

I started really getting down on myself too thinking, woman can do this and work too?  And I can't even do 1/2 of it.  I tear up typing that now.  I feel down on myself because some days I feel like I am really losing it.  I look forward to the HOT DOG song for goodness sakes.

But then I look at the positive and that is, I get to witness every minute of my son's life.  How special is that?  I consider it a privilege to see some of the things working parents might miss, including my own husband.  The confidence he gets each and every day with walking, sneaking new foods in (whip cream?) and the smile that spreads across his face when he tastes it, the interactions in the stores with people, figuring out and mastering new toys, going to parks, doing simple things because that's all that matters.... right now, he thinks whatever I do is cool... so I am going to take it in and live it up. 

I also am just trying to give myself credit where credit is due.  It's hard.  There are no breaks, and you work hard, and get paid in smiles (if you are lucky).  The days are long, but the years are short.  And before I know it I will be dancing at his wedding.  Let the learning continue.