so do you like staying at home?
They are referring to the choice Adam and I have made in me stopping working in the real world completely to help raise our son.
I am not even sure what I say to this question. Sometimes I say no, sometimes I say yes. But it's a loaded answer. I think sometimes I can come across as my kid drives me crazy, when really he is a great kid. Just doing kid things. That are annoying. That every kid does. Like crying for no reason that I can find, refusing food, but accepting cookies for a meal, throwing food, biting, general whining... etc. (I am a nurse, these are my patients! I am no stranger. A patient has done all of these things to me, and more.)
I by no means would call myself a kid person. There are some people who are more affectionate towards kids, and can be a friend to any kid, a person that children gravitate too. I am not that person. Old people are more my style. When it comes to my own, I have more patience and understanding. Thank God. I always knew that if I had children I would want to stay home, rather than hand my paycheck over to a daycare or a babysitter. I want to teach him things. Even though, I don't know much. I want to see him experience the small things first. Not a caretaker. And really, I trust no one, but myself to care for my baby. But it's hard.
I love my sidekick, and he is awesome. I worry all the time about if me staying home is really the right thing for HIM. Do I do enough? Expose him to enough? Teach him enough? Socialize him enough? Does it even matter at 20 months old??? Everyone says you will NEVER regret staying home 20 years from now. You have your life to work. But only so much time with your child, so if you can do it, do it.
I am a nurse by profession. I also worry that I am losing all my skill sets. It's a technical job. It's an emotional job that I am happy to leave behind right now, as I am full of emotion with motherhood. And well, healthcare in the United States is messed up. It's a job that you don't just work from this time to this time... you leave when your patients are ready for you to leave. This would put me in a real bind when it came to picking up Archer at day care. I just worry about the reality of eventually returning back to work, and having to start all over. Will I even be re-hireable? I lie awake at night wondering if I would even remember how to start an IV.Here's what I have learned.... staying at home is a lot harder then I ever thought it would be. I eat standing up sometimes. I eat terribly, usually finishing the food that Archer doesn't, eating lots of what is lying around in the pantry... crackers, cookies, candy... I have to really focus on not eating those things nor buying them.
The only exercise I get is chasing him around. It's something. But not enough. My body feels terrible most of the time. And the trouble is when I do have time while he naps or sleeps at night. I just want to lay there. Relax. And eat ice cream.
It's incredibly lonely. I talked to many people a day prior. Now I talk to one. Kind of. One who is only just now starting to respond and I spend most of the day deciphering what he wants. Savannah, Al, Hoda, and the rest of the TODAY show have become a saving grace each morning. I feel like I know them. I am also lucky to at least view them for 10 minutes before demands for Sesame Street are made.
I am pretty shocked at how I have put myself out there with trying play groups. It's hard to get together with moms and kids I don't know. It's really for moms. Kids will play with whomever. Moms, not so easy. I can get along with most anyone for short periods, but I just have not found anyone that I really click with.
In general, it's just hard to find something to do. I get comments all the time that people can't get over how much I do with him. I don't feel that way. It is my nightly homework to find something to do the next day, bonus something to do that is free. And I will do anyyyyyyything I can find. Getting out of the house is easier for me than staying home because there is only so much entertaining I can do here. I notice such a difference when we are out and about, then when we move from room to room inside.
Like it or love it, it's what I am doing. It's how life is. And I am glad I get to spend all this time with him. A lot of people just don't get that and it's a different experience for sure.
