Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day.   The emotions I feel about one day being called mom are vast.  One minute it sounds great, and the next... I think... no way.  On the Internet you can find blogs about being a mom, being a working mom, being a stay at home mom, how to raise a kid, woman who struggle with infertility, women who struggle with children with specific illness, blogs about adoption, mom's under age 20, mom's over age 50, first time moms, moms with lots of kids..moms who have lost their children, moms who have lost their moms... but in my case... where's the group called... "Am I cut out for it?"  The group of women whom are perfectly capable, old enough, married, and supposedly ready as they will ever be, but just don't know, and don't want to become pregnant because it's what society says you should do next.

It used to be all my friends one by one were getting engaged, and then married.... but now I am in the prime of my life where all my friends one by one are becoming mothers.  Bridal showers are a thing of the past and baby showers are where it's at.  If they haven't had one, they are expecting, and some of them are on 2, 3, or 4.  Out of my close circle, I come in dead last, the outsider who still sits here and wonders if it is something I really want to happen.  I am beyond thrilled for each and everyone of them.  The ones that have the kids already are awesome at what they do.  The ones that are about to have them will be awesome.  They do what they do with such ease and skill.

But I have to say, as one who doesn't have them... I am certainly feeling the pressure.  I think about having a child on a daily basis and what my life would be like.  I jump from one extreme to the other.  I mostly feel the urge to have a child on holidays.  I most look forward to playing Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.  I also want my child to know my mom and dad.  And let me tell you, none of us are getting any younger.  I think about having a child when my knees ache.  Because it reminds me that I am not a spring chicken anymore.  I worry that my body will not respond well to a pregnancy.  I am not ancient, I know, but I sometimes feel it.  And I am afraid people telling me "you have plenty of time," is going to end... really soon.

But as always I have never been one to go with the crowd, so having kids because my friends are doing it is just not acceptable for me.  I used  to feel like I had to wait till I was financially stable to have a child. I am over that and the fact that I will never have enough money to have a kid.  Ever.  Especially since our financial adviser told us we should actually start saving for our "unborn, unthought of" child's college education - yesterday.

So yes, the money thing is not what's stopping me.  But what is...

I am selfish.  It's true.  And I don't think it's a bad thing, I think it's good to know it.  I am not sure if I could truly put another first.  I enjoy my time.  My time alone, my time with my husband, my ability to go wherever I want, whenever I want.  The ease of getting out of the car and walking into the store without having to get the baby bag, the stroller, the umbrella to cover us when it's raining, and yes, the baby.  I like going on vacation.  I like short weekend getaways.  I like going to restaurants and to the gym and peeing by myself.  I like the fact that when I am sick, I can lay down, and sleep, and be the one being coddled.  I like freedom.  When you bring these things up, every one with a child will say... well you can still do those things.  Yah, I know, I got that.  You can do anything.  But with such ease?  No.  And I don't want to end up despising my kid for taking my personal freedoms away.

I am not a nurturer.  You think I would be since I am a nurse.  But, that nurturing thing... I just don't have it.  I am a mix between nurse Ratchett, and Florence Nightengale.  I tell it like it is.  I feel like if my kid were to come up to me crying... I would say, "stop it, it's not that bad."   Therefore, my kid would definitely grow to hate me.  Because I am going to make them do things.  I am going to make them put away their toys.  I am going to make them study.  I am going to make them get a job when they are old enough.  I am going to make them apologize when they are wrong.  Well, at least I am going to try.  I am going to be way meaner than dad.  And they will hate me for it.

It just has never been my life long dream to be a mom.  I have never had that undeniable urge to have a child.  Just like I never had a picture of a dream wedding, a dream man, or a dream job.  I have never planned out my life in such a way.  Some people look at you with disgust when you tell them this.  Like you are crazy to not want to procreate.  It's such a stigma.  I'm pretty sure it's okay not to want kids.  I dislike those that look down upon that.  A woman's life can be just as fulfilling without children.  The next logical step after getting married is not always to have children.  Is it?

And then of course, I want my husband 100% on board.  I don't want to have to "talk" Adam into it.  Too much I hear people saying... "well I had to talk my husband into having a child," or "we want someone to take care of us when we are older."  I want him to want children.  And as far as I can see he is in the same boat as me.  I have no worry in the world that he would make nothing but an excellent father.  To see him interact with the kids in our life is so fun, but we are both way too happy to wave good bye and say "see you next time."

And if I had a tag line for my life it would be this... "What if?"

I have a lot of friends and family who are unable to conceive.  They have tried multiple methods and they just can't have children and they want children more than life itself.  I have never had anything that I wanted so bad that I would do anything for it.  So I don't really understand that feeling of want or need.  What if I get pregnant easily?  How is that even fair to those in my life who can't?
And then what if one day I wake up, and have this huge change of heart, and I am in the same boat as they are.  Not being able to have kids is very different from choosing not to have them.  Will it hurt?  Will I feel differently?  I say I won't be upset, but I what if I am?  And it's too late.

I'm scared... Not just about the fact that I might not be a good mother.  The world we live in makes me mad and sad because no matter how great of a parent I might end up being, you can't protect them from everything.  And it honestly makes me not want to raise another being in it.  The pollution, the crime, the poor education, the cost, the allergies, school shootings, climate changes, stabbings, the wars, the fact that people don't know how to treat each other nicely,  the inability to trust, even our most trusted citizens for fear that they will hurt your child keeps me up at night.  And if one more person says "you just can't worry about that," I will go nuts.  Because I can't.  It's a fact that this world is not the same as it once was.

And then I think of all of this and soften a little,  if I become a mother, and all goes well.  And I bring a little girl or a little boy into this world despite the what ifs, and the lack of being a nurturer, and the fact that I can probably overcome my own selfishness and know that my kid will come before anyone and anything.  I am overwhelmed at the thought that this child will be half Adam and half me.  And the happiness I feel because that little hybrid will be ours.  And what a miracle it is to actually do that.  You see then, all of this will go out the window and I will wonder why I ever thought I could live without a child of my own.

You see I am not opposed.  And I am not for.  I am stuck in the middle.  And I feel like I am the only one.    Will all my fears make me laugh one day as I am giggling with my mini me... knowing that the best thing I ever did was have one?  Who knows.  Having a child changes your life.  That's what I do know.  And I am not sure I want my life to change.  Being Auntie Erica is fun.

As I said in this post.  I'm the odd man out.  7 friends of mine celebrated Mother's Day today for the first time and 1 special mom to be probably had a little celebration herself.  These are the handmade cards I whipped up for them.

As for me and my mom... we toasted to another Mother's Day with Hamm's!

Cheers.