Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day.   The emotions I feel about one day being called mom are vast.  One minute it sounds great, and the next... I think... no way.  On the Internet you can find blogs about being a mom, being a working mom, being a stay at home mom, how to raise a kid, woman who struggle with infertility, women who struggle with children with specific illness, blogs about adoption, mom's under age 20, mom's over age 50, first time moms, moms with lots of kids..moms who have lost their children, moms who have lost their moms... but in my case... where's the group called... "Am I cut out for it?"  The group of women whom are perfectly capable, old enough, married, and supposedly ready as they will ever be, but just don't know, and don't want to become pregnant because it's what society says you should do next.

It used to be all my friends one by one were getting engaged, and then married.... but now I am in the prime of my life where all my friends one by one are becoming mothers.  Bridal showers are a thing of the past and baby showers are where it's at.  If they haven't had one, they are expecting, and some of them are on 2, 3, or 4.  Out of my close circle, I come in dead last, the outsider who still sits here and wonders if it is something I really want to happen.  I am beyond thrilled for each and everyone of them.  The ones that have the kids already are awesome at what they do.  The ones that are about to have them will be awesome.  They do what they do with such ease and skill.

But I have to say, as one who doesn't have them... I am certainly feeling the pressure.  I think about having a child on a daily basis and what my life would be like.  I jump from one extreme to the other.  I mostly feel the urge to have a child on holidays.  I most look forward to playing Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.  I also want my child to know my mom and dad.  And let me tell you, none of us are getting any younger.  I think about having a child when my knees ache.  Because it reminds me that I am not a spring chicken anymore.  I worry that my body will not respond well to a pregnancy.  I am not ancient, I know, but I sometimes feel it.  And I am afraid people telling me "you have plenty of time," is going to end... really soon.

But as always I have never been one to go with the crowd, so having kids because my friends are doing it is just not acceptable for me.  I used  to feel like I had to wait till I was financially stable to have a child. I am over that and the fact that I will never have enough money to have a kid.  Ever.  Especially since our financial adviser told us we should actually start saving for our "unborn, unthought of" child's college education - yesterday.

So yes, the money thing is not what's stopping me.  But what is...

I am selfish.  It's true.  And I don't think it's a bad thing, I think it's good to know it.  I am not sure if I could truly put another first.  I enjoy my time.  My time alone, my time with my husband, my ability to go wherever I want, whenever I want.  The ease of getting out of the car and walking into the store without having to get the baby bag, the stroller, the umbrella to cover us when it's raining, and yes, the baby.  I like going on vacation.  I like short weekend getaways.  I like going to restaurants and to the gym and peeing by myself.  I like the fact that when I am sick, I can lay down, and sleep, and be the one being coddled.  I like freedom.  When you bring these things up, every one with a child will say... well you can still do those things.  Yah, I know, I got that.  You can do anything.  But with such ease?  No.  And I don't want to end up despising my kid for taking my personal freedoms away.

I am not a nurturer.  You think I would be since I am a nurse.  But, that nurturing thing... I just don't have it.  I am a mix between nurse Ratchett, and Florence Nightengale.  I tell it like it is.  I feel like if my kid were to come up to me crying... I would say, "stop it, it's not that bad."   Therefore, my kid would definitely grow to hate me.  Because I am going to make them do things.  I am going to make them put away their toys.  I am going to make them study.  I am going to make them get a job when they are old enough.  I am going to make them apologize when they are wrong.  Well, at least I am going to try.  I am going to be way meaner than dad.  And they will hate me for it.

It just has never been my life long dream to be a mom.  I have never had that undeniable urge to have a child.  Just like I never had a picture of a dream wedding, a dream man, or a dream job.  I have never planned out my life in such a way.  Some people look at you with disgust when you tell them this.  Like you are crazy to not want to procreate.  It's such a stigma.  I'm pretty sure it's okay not to want kids.  I dislike those that look down upon that.  A woman's life can be just as fulfilling without children.  The next logical step after getting married is not always to have children.  Is it?

And then of course, I want my husband 100% on board.  I don't want to have to "talk" Adam into it.  Too much I hear people saying... "well I had to talk my husband into having a child," or "we want someone to take care of us when we are older."  I want him to want children.  And as far as I can see he is in the same boat as me.  I have no worry in the world that he would make nothing but an excellent father.  To see him interact with the kids in our life is so fun, but we are both way too happy to wave good bye and say "see you next time."

And if I had a tag line for my life it would be this... "What if?"

I have a lot of friends and family who are unable to conceive.  They have tried multiple methods and they just can't have children and they want children more than life itself.  I have never had anything that I wanted so bad that I would do anything for it.  So I don't really understand that feeling of want or need.  What if I get pregnant easily?  How is that even fair to those in my life who can't?
And then what if one day I wake up, and have this huge change of heart, and I am in the same boat as they are.  Not being able to have kids is very different from choosing not to have them.  Will it hurt?  Will I feel differently?  I say I won't be upset, but I what if I am?  And it's too late.

I'm scared... Not just about the fact that I might not be a good mother.  The world we live in makes me mad and sad because no matter how great of a parent I might end up being, you can't protect them from everything.  And it honestly makes me not want to raise another being in it.  The pollution, the crime, the poor education, the cost, the allergies, school shootings, climate changes, stabbings, the wars, the fact that people don't know how to treat each other nicely,  the inability to trust, even our most trusted citizens for fear that they will hurt your child keeps me up at night.  And if one more person says "you just can't worry about that," I will go nuts.  Because I can't.  It's a fact that this world is not the same as it once was.

And then I think of all of this and soften a little,  if I become a mother, and all goes well.  And I bring a little girl or a little boy into this world despite the what ifs, and the lack of being a nurturer, and the fact that I can probably overcome my own selfishness and know that my kid will come before anyone and anything.  I am overwhelmed at the thought that this child will be half Adam and half me.  And the happiness I feel because that little hybrid will be ours.  And what a miracle it is to actually do that.  You see then, all of this will go out the window and I will wonder why I ever thought I could live without a child of my own.

You see I am not opposed.  And I am not for.  I am stuck in the middle.  And I feel like I am the only one.    Will all my fears make me laugh one day as I am giggling with my mini me... knowing that the best thing I ever did was have one?  Who knows.  Having a child changes your life.  That's what I do know.  And I am not sure I want my life to change.  Being Auntie Erica is fun.

As I said in this post.  I'm the odd man out.  7 friends of mine celebrated Mother's Day today for the first time and 1 special mom to be probably had a little celebration herself.  These are the handmade cards I whipped up for them.

As for me and my mom... we toasted to another Mother's Day with Hamm's!

Cheers.

Amanda's Baby Shower

 Our friendship started over a snail pillow in home economics, in 7th grade.  It's a story I never get tired of telling.  We both signed up to make snail pillows.  Except I came to school with all the fabric to make mine look EXACTLY like the teacher's 1970's replica and Amanda came to school with the coolest fabric of light pink flowers and pink rick rack.  I was like... "what are you doing???  It has too look like the teachers".... and she was like, "you can do whatever you want!"  It was really quite funny at the time and explains a lot of things about a friendship that is 18 years long.  For her bridal shower, and then her wedding... I tried and tried to find that damn snail pillow so that I could present it to her for a good laugh, and then now that she is having a little one, I tried to do the same.  I have no recollection of throwing it away, and one day I know somewhere it will turn up.  But today in my baby shower craft I got to make Baby Girl a onesie...  and I knew just what to draw!!!!  My snail pillow.  I hope she wears it with pride!!!!

So yes.... Amanda is having a baby!!!!  A little girl...her name will be Julia... and amazingly she is due on Andrea's birthday April 18th.  Today, we celebrated at Volare in Oak Brook.  The food was delicious and everyone had a wonderful time.

 The cake surrounded by 4 potted plants, one for each Great Grandma, and one for each Grandma to be.  This will be the first baby for all the cousins on Amanda's side.  So everyone was pretty excited.  

Andrea,Amanda,Erica

 We were each asked to bring a book in lieu of a card to fill Baby's library.  And then when Amanda opened your gift we were asked to come up and sit by her as she opened.  I gave Amanda some sort of chair thing that you attach to the counter or table and then put the baby in it.  Once they are in it you can spin them around.  So they can see you, I guess.  I don't know.  (I am sure that there is a much easier way to explain this.)  Anyways quote of the party as Amanda explains this thing to her guests.... "You put the baby in this and then you turn them one way to watch Daddy cook, and the other to watch Mommy dance!!!!"  Ahhh, yessssss.... that's exactly why I bought it!

We can't wait to meet her!!!!!!!!

And then there was one....   will the trend continue???????  Who really knows???????

Andrea's Shower

Amanda's Shower

31 (and fun!)

Well I am officially "in" my 30's.  That's no big deal when I talk to all the "adults" in my life.  Just wait till your 40, or wait till your 50, or 60 is what kills you... they say.

I went all out for my 30th.  Because I knew my future years would be taming down.  I have never had a wild and crazy birthday.  Age 10= Double Dare Live at the old Rosemont Age 16=sick as a dog, friends came over, and I love them to this day for eating the cake I blew the candles out on, didn't get that magical license you think you are going to get on the 16th birthday, I was still in the class.  Age 18=Miraculously the weather was like 60 degrees and the state was in shorts and tshirts, bought some lotto tickets and a pack of cigarettes.  Age 21= sat at home and studied for a huge nursing exam.  Age 25=very special... my golden birthday, sick again, but had many fun surprises.  Age 30= Key West, booze cruises, nude bars, swimming with dolphins, and sunsets...

Now I am 31.  And as I review all those birthdays and all the others that were in between... all that really mattered is that my friends and family were there.  And at every age they almost always were.  Gifts are fun, but what matters more is that they show up for a dinner I plan, go to a hockey game, put on cone hats and eat cupcakes, or slap on a pair of roller skates and skate to songs of the late 80's, even though we were all 23 years old.

Not that this is anything new, but I am reminded almost daily how precious life is, if something is not happening in  your life that makes you know that, just watch the news.  I have been a little extra teary eyed lately due to a friend of a friend losing her battle with cancer at the age of 29.  If that doesn't hit home.  Nothing will.  So, when I feel like my birthday is not "special" anymore, I remember that actually, it is.

My day consisted of going door to door and collecting all my free birthday goodies from particular stores.  It was nice to just have a day where I did whatever I wanted.  My request for my birthday to my mom was some floor lamps, which was received with an "are you crazy?" this was followed by my 2nd request to make beef stroganoff, which she obliged and my parents brought over to our house complete with the noodles and dessert.  My birthday dinner was excellent.  It was overall a very relaxing Tuesday.

I may not have that extra hop in my step, like when I was younger, or that gleam in my eye, but I suppose that is a part of growing up and I have had many wonderful birthdays to look back on, and there are sure to be many more to come... but yes, I am now "in" my 30's.

A birthday is just the first day of another 365 day journey around the sun.  Enjoy the trip.  -Unknown

Naureen's Last Day

Naureen's last day of work was this past Friday, so we got together for a mini going away party at Mago's in the Arboretum.  I have heard nothing but good things about this place, and was not disappointed.  I think I would have been perfectly fine just eating the guacamole that is freshly made beside your table.  It was delicious.  

Naureen is moving to Ohio to be with her husband.  They got married last April and have been separated because he is doing his residency in Cincinnati.  One more year to go before he is a full fledged pediatric doctor...  and then we hope they will be back in Illinois so he can practice at Children's... here's hoping... but until then Naureen, enjoy true day to day married life.  We will miss you!!!!

Lacey Visits

 Lacey came for a visit to good old Chicago and I was her tour guide.  It was cold.  But it was doable.  And her one request was to go up the John Hancock.  And that we did.  Going up on a Monday afternoon to the Signature Room was awesome.  No lines.  No problems.  And we even got a close to the window view.  

We walked around the city and had lunch downtown... and I wish it was something I could do every Monday afternoon.  I was so happy to have her visit.

#flossersforlife

70

My mother turned 70 this past Wednesday.  Seventy.  70.  7-0?????  While it's still baffling her, it really killed me.  

I have a mother who is 70??? 

I have dealt with questions my whole life, people literally telling me with a chuckle... "you must have been a mistake, huh?"  Yah, that's the way to give a kid some great self esteem... just assume their parents never actually wanted them, and tell them that their existence is a "mistake."  I mean how exactly do you answer that?  I tell them no, (because that's what my mom told me to say.)  And then they chuckle and laugh, like "yah, right."  But alas, this blog post is not about me, it's about her and the fact that...

my mother is 70.   

My dad decided to throw her a SURPRISE party, with the agreement that he pick the place and pay for it, and I basically do everything else.  What a deal.  I loved every minute of planning.  Even answering all my dad's questions at odd times of the day in whispers because "your mother is in the other room."

Her first surprise came when my dad told her he was going outside to shovel snow, and then just left.  After the fact, I told my dad that wasn't very nice... but then again my dad has his own way of doing things.  He returned 4 hours later, with my brother Chris, who flew in from Colorado.  Apparently, first they made a stop at Gene and Judes.   I was told my mom nearly had a heart attack when he walked in.  

The party was a huge success and she seemed to be rather surprised to see 40 of her closest friends and family standing there.  We dined on bruschetta, salad, chicken piccata and sirloin, mostocolli, potatoes and mixed vegetables... followed by ice cream and her favorite cake from Hy-Vee.  It was delicious.  We even got a family picture.  It is rare to have this happen and have all my siblings in one place so it had to be done.  

I even made a fun picture board full of some nice ones, and some funny ones of my mom.  Camille was in charge of the centerpieces, and I made name tags and menus for each seat.  Along with a picture of my mom at each table in a different decade.  

I even wrote a toast for her... in case my dad didn't say something... which he did ... and left me relieved to not have to get up and say anything....

Hope you had a very Happy Birthday, Mom!!!

An Ode to My Mother

Roses are red violets are blue
We are all here to celebrate you.
70 years what can I say...
I know, I know you don't actually turn 70 till Wednesday.

The oldest of 6 the mother of 4
Busia and great busia to 8 more.
Sister, aunt, friend and pal
And of course you are sweetheart to al.

You are one in a million
You say what you want
You sometimes make no sense
But we love you lots and lots.

So sit back and relax and enjoy  family and  friends.  
Raise your glasses to my Mom
May the party never end!

Katie and Ken

Bartlett Elementary Crew

Katie and Ken got hitched last weekend on January 18th at The Starline, in Harvard, Illinois.  It was a super fun wedding.  Especially since I have been friends with the bride for what, ummm, 25 years now.  I was so happy to be able to share in her special day.  The venue was awesome... Room #1 you get married.... Room #2 cocktails.... Room #3 food.  Wham bam, just like that.  I loved catching up with Katie's family and re-connecting with old friends.  It was a great night.  Best wishes to the newlyweds (who I failed to snap a picture of!)

Me and the BrIde